I have to admit that I continue to struggle with any form of meditative practice. I am able to eek out a certain period of time, to calm myself, but withing minutes my mind is off and racing. I have been getting up early every morning to use my new treadmill. I have been trying to use this time for my meditation as well as finding quiet time. I don't get frustrated during the process, but afterwards I become very frustrated in the fact that I can't focus long enough to benefit from it. As I have said before, it's a work in progress and I will continue to practice..... :)
"One cannot lead another where one has not gone himself” to me means essentially, practice what you preach. This is another concept I struggle with because I believe we all have the right to chose how we live our lives. This is something I deal with every day on an important level. For example I got a new patient who is currently living with his son and daughter-in-law. They have needed hospice services for this man for some time now, but have been afraid because they were sure once we saw the condition he was in, we would take him away and place him into a nursing home. The bottom line is the patient and his family want to keep him home until he passes, and it's my job to ensure that happens. I had a patient last year who was dying of lung cancer. Every time I came to visit her, she would ask me to take her outside to smoke. Why should I refuse her? She wanted to live out her remaining days with what joy she could find and I am certainly not her judge and jury. I had to fight with the lady who orders equipment at our office because I needed some expensive oxygen equipment so one of my patients could go out to dinner and gambling one last time with her husband before she died. She never made it out, but you better know that oxygen was there at the ready in case she felt strong enough to go.
In my experience, it is more important to help people achieve their own happiness rather than preach at them and expect them to follow instructions. That is not to say I do not educate my patients and their families on what is right, or the benefits of following guidelines etc. But, after I educate I support their decisions.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Integral Assessment
I have had some better luck with this episode. I was able to really sit in the quiet and not let my mind race a thousand places at once..... it's a work in progress. One thing that I was not able to do was concentrate exactly where I wanted. Instead I focused on those things in particular that are bothering me.
For example I had to change one patients catheter 3 times this week, and I'm worried how everything is working over the weekend. I also have another patient who has begun the dying process. I know she is comfortable, but her daughter and the staff are very upset about everything. I have been planning over the weekend an in-service for the staff about death and dying, so it's been playing heavily on my mind.
My husband has also been on my mind because he is on a trip out of the country and I know he will be very jet lagged. And then there is my daughter, who is home with me alone this weekend. I have been on call today and had to leave the house for about an hour. She is old enough and mature enough to be ok, but the guilt I feel is tremendous.
So basically I guess I focus mainly on my priorities. I think this is the main thing that has been preventing me from being successful with these exercises. I need to continue working on getting control of my thoughts/mind.... again, it's a work in progress. :)
For example I had to change one patients catheter 3 times this week, and I'm worried how everything is working over the weekend. I also have another patient who has begun the dying process. I know she is comfortable, but her daughter and the staff are very upset about everything. I have been planning over the weekend an in-service for the staff about death and dying, so it's been playing heavily on my mind.
My husband has also been on my mind because he is on a trip out of the country and I know he will be very jet lagged. And then there is my daughter, who is home with me alone this weekend. I have been on call today and had to leave the house for about an hour. She is old enough and mature enough to be ok, but the guilt I feel is tremendous.
So basically I guess I focus mainly on my priorities. I think this is the main thing that has been preventing me from being successful with these exercises. I need to continue working on getting control of my thoughts/mind.... again, it's a work in progress. :)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
A Suble Mind
I continue to struggle turning my focus inward and concentrating on not letting my mind wander. These exercises are leaving me frustrated because I now fully realize how hard it is to turn my mind off. I know that my mind races in moments of quiet, hence my insomnia issue. But I think if I keep practicing I will eventually get there.
This past week has been especially difficult for me. My 15th wedding anniversary was on 11/11 which is a big deal. The problem comes from the fact that the 8th anniversary of my dad's passing was on 11/12. I fully believe he waited until the next day so as not to upset my anniversary, but ti's hard to focus sometimes. I have tried for the past 8 years to not let his passing "interfere" with my attitude. Yes it was a devastating loss for me, a changing force in my life, but I can't let it destroy the good days. So I do focus on the good while memorializing his passing in a more healthy way. I think the years of doing this has certainly helped, so I'm very optimistic that the loving kindness and subtle mind exercises will be achievable for me as well.
This past week has been especially difficult for me. My 15th wedding anniversary was on 11/11 which is a big deal. The problem comes from the fact that the 8th anniversary of my dad's passing was on 11/12. I fully believe he waited until the next day so as not to upset my anniversary, but ti's hard to focus sometimes. I have tried for the past 8 years to not let his passing "interfere" with my attitude. Yes it was a devastating loss for me, a changing force in my life, but I can't let it destroy the good days. So I do focus on the good while memorializing his passing in a more healthy way. I think the years of doing this has certainly helped, so I'm very optimistic that the loving kindness and subtle mind exercises will be achievable for me as well.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
The Act of Loving Kindness
One of the things I've noticed while doing these exercises is that while I may be able to relax, I'm having real difficulty with re-focusing my mind. I like the theory of loving kindness as well as the exercise, but so far I haven't feasibly been able to do it.
Part of the problem I encounter is that the majority of my life is already spent taking care of others. This past summer was particularly difficult both with work and illness in my own family. I spent an inordinate amount of time traveling and struggling against the medical community. During this period of weeks, my health took a nose dive. I recognized it, but when your in the midst of adversity, it's not always possible to take a step back. What I ended up doing was waiting until everyone had been taken care of, then I took a week off work. I turned my phones off and only did things I found enjoyment in. This made huge strides in replenishing my reserves, but I'll be honest, I still feel like I need another week.
I fully believe that the world would be a better place if we took the time to take care of one another. This is where loving kindness comes into play, what a concept, being kind to one another.
A pattern that has come into focus for me is that I could truly benefit from Mental Workout. My greatest escape/pleasure comes from reading. I love being transported into the words of a book and leaving myself behind. What I am realizing the further into the semester I go, is that my mental workout is severely lacking! LOL I need to work out my mind everyday just like any other muscle. I think the best thing for me to do is just as the book states, starting with 15 minutes twice daily to begin my exercises.
Part of the problem I encounter is that the majority of my life is already spent taking care of others. This past summer was particularly difficult both with work and illness in my own family. I spent an inordinate amount of time traveling and struggling against the medical community. During this period of weeks, my health took a nose dive. I recognized it, but when your in the midst of adversity, it's not always possible to take a step back. What I ended up doing was waiting until everyone had been taken care of, then I took a week off work. I turned my phones off and only did things I found enjoyment in. This made huge strides in replenishing my reserves, but I'll be honest, I still feel like I need another week.
I fully believe that the world would be a better place if we took the time to take care of one another. This is where loving kindness comes into play, what a concept, being kind to one another.
A pattern that has come into focus for me is that I could truly benefit from Mental Workout. My greatest escape/pleasure comes from reading. I love being transported into the words of a book and leaving myself behind. What I am realizing the further into the semester I go, is that my mental workout is severely lacking! LOL I need to work out my mind everyday just like any other muscle. I think the best thing for me to do is just as the book states, starting with 15 minutes twice daily to begin my exercises.
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